emo

hello blog,

gee! i haven been emo-ing for sometime to you now. issit a good thing or a bad thing?

the mentality that im having now is bad.

i noe that i should not give up! i wanted to perform well during trg today and coach sent me over to the lousy team. prolly i dun deserve a space in a better team. i dunno.. somehow he is always picking on me! every god damn training, he will definitely call my name once! he knowing my name for the wrong reasons. i felt ashamed, i wanted to do my best but he dun believe that i can, he seem to always find fault with me. why?! issit becuz i look like his previous enemy? i dunno u noe.

i dunno what and how it gave him the stupid impression that im not working hard. so wtf!

im like the fucking hard working player ever in other sports. sigh! and he has to do this to me! im always ready to look forward to every trg so i can do well and progress up but he has alr got this god damn concept in his head that im a lousy player and i should stay with the weaker players. sigh! i think i shldnt entirely put the blame on him.

prolly ive change since i came poly and many things happened in my life WHICH pple usually it will make you grow stronger.

However, i dunno really.. i seem to be worse. pple change for the better, i changed for the worse.

i lost my strength,lost my self-esteem, lost my aggressiveness, lost my own opinion, lost my competitiveness,lost the desperation for more praises and lost the motivating me.

i dunno wad gotten to me. ive changed to the worse.i tried being more reserved for a change cuz i was too aggressive and kinda loud den. but it seems like its getting no wer and worse! im not learning anything.. sigh.

this is wad happens wen u're getting advices not from the right people. i dunno really. or issit im thinking too much?

usually for spontanous incident that happened, i always have a solution for it, be it gona be sucky or not. its still a solution and pple do take it. But now i got no solution and i dun even bother to think of a solution and let pple think it for me. thats BAD!

i used to be the more initiative type but now? just relac and let pple deal with it. gee! wad happened to me! wer the hell is that old merina? GEE! i really do miss the old me. :'(

im wasting my life during nth productive at all.

I LOST MY FOCUS IN LIFE.

i wana cryyyyy.. :(