terrorised

Why does stupid things happened? i felt like crap honestly. but Mr chang said something that i will ever and forever remember, you cause your own death. i will never and forever forget about it. now for that, i will always rmb. And Benedick says :learn from the best. after so much have happened, i think i  have developed inferior complex, my balls can strink when i see the director of nursing, if dun behave, she can jus strip me off immediately. i was literally having the adreneline rush. 

nursing is a job where you have to be very careful or not careless. after that hard incident, it really taught me alot. the NC,staff nurses and everyone that scolds,nag and do wadeva is for the pt's safety, some idiots may hold some grudges against me but i dun care, so long i do my job properly. shits does happen when you are not careful,not being meticulous about it. 

indeed i was trying to run out of nursing, my heart all along wasnt with nursing.. i wana do the jaw surgery and get out. but apparently, things have gone different and things aint really going as planned. i was supposed to plan for the probation to end, den go for HL. but now i have to push everything back cuz of that shit incident, the carelessness of my work really got me killed. i killed myself.. already feeling very bad about it, dun rub it in please. for these past 3mths, i had to stick my foot in my mouth so long i can pass this 3mths.. tolerate all the shit people give me, taking in all the attitudes people show, jus so i do not get any stupid complaints. i wana talk and be friendly to people but i cant for now, have to lie low. shut up and follow and do my work meticulously with puny pay. need to relly focus on my job. i dunwana think about anything else yet. This jeopardy that i am facing right now can cause my future, so i decided to postpone it. director of nursing has spoken. so no choice. 

its only normal that my balls will strink rite, cuz she's the one that decides if you stay or go, who wouldnt have balls strinking rite? i hope its jus normal for reacting to the situation but not cuz i developed inferior complex, or mayb i do. i duno. always have mixed feelings all the time. 

i must forever rmb about the incident so it pushes me to do my work properly. i honestly felt the care and concern from the NCs, i was really touched that all the NCs support me... that is the heart that felt. but for the rational side.. i duno why do they wana help me so much. 

And i duno why i have friends and my family around yet i felt like i have no one to talk to about my problems but actually i do. why do i wana keep it to myself and solve it myself? issit becuz i am such a prideful person or what? hmmm.. there is something not right. maybe cuz i dun wana disappoint and worry them and make them feel like im a problem person. that is the likely reason im feeling.i have alot to think about. 22 is not young. And why does she wana observe me for another 6mths? its damn long! i am history already! even in NYP-history!